SEASON 8 IS COMING. Like, soon. Like, holy heck I have 27 episodes to watch in 8 days. I’m fine. Everything is fine. But while I’m over here freaking out over the space time continuum, please enjoy this recap of Season 4. You can read my previous season recaps here: Season 1, Season 2, Season 3.
This should be obvious at this point, but just in case, I feel honor bound (it’s the Stark in me) to let you know there will be spoilers for Season 4 here and possible vague spoilers for later seasons. Consider yourself thusly warned. Oh, also, I let loose with some f-bombs in this. Though if you are a Game of Thrones fan I can’t imagine the word fuck really ruffles your feathers…
Let’s start off with the Lannisters because it gives me a chance to say this: JOFFREY IS DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!!!! Yes, the national nightmare that was Joffrey has been shuffled off this mortal coil, in a very public poisoning at his wedding to Margaery Tyrell. IT WAS GLORIOUS. As for the rest of the Lannisters…Cersei takes Jof’s death pretty hard and blames Tyrion. Tyrion goes on trial for the death and has a great monologue. That man really knows how to confess dramatically. He then demands a trail by combat and ends up having his champion, Oberyn Martell (greatest fighter and bi icon of Westeros), killed by The Mountain in a scene so gruesome I have to close my eyes and mute the TV. Jamie has some not good times with Cersei, but ultimately saves Tyrion from execution by sneaking him out of the jail cell so Varys can whisk him away. Before Tyrion leaves King’s Landing he murders the fuck out of Shae (who betrayed him) and Tywin. Another glorious Lannister death. Oh, and Tommen becomes important this season because now he is the king. Poor baby Tommen.
So, the Tyrells. Talk about the MVPS of the season. Margaery continues to be a thorn in Cersei’s side, which I will always love her for. She looks hot AF in her mourning dresses and takes Olenna’s advice and finds her way into Tommen’s heart in a way that is mostly not creepy. Olenna is the OG badass in this season as she is the one to thank for Jof’s spectacular demise. And we get to meet Mace Tyrell, who is ridiculous wonderful for comic relief.
Sansa gets her own paragraph in this one because hot damn this is where her character arc really starts to take off. So, she is whisked away from King’s Landing as Jof is dying by Littlefinger. They sail over to the Eyrie where Lysa Arryn marries, loudly bones, and then is killed by Littlefinger. And she drops the knowledge that it was her that killed her husband at the behest of Littlefinger. Sansa shows she is learning to play the game by lying to the high ups of the Vale about how Lysa really died. Then she debuts a stunning new style and hot damn this is the moment I really start to like Sansa.
Jon is back at the Wall and dealing with the always antagonistic Alliser Thorne. To make matter worse, Janos fucking Slynt is at the Wall now and just adds to the general toxic behavior up there. Speaking of toxic, Karl Tanner (one of the Night’s Watch who went beyond the wall with Mormont last year, but we are only just now given his name), starts one of my least favorite plot lines by starting a mutiny against Mormont while they are at Craster’s Keep. Craster and Mormont are killed and I’m only sad about one of those. This whole plot line gets even worse and takes too long to resolve and I’m not gonna talk about it anymore cause it’s fucking gross. But it ends with Jon being reunited with Ghost. So that’s nice.
Also, the Wildlings make their way to the wall and an epic battle ensues. I don’t have time to break it all down but Pip and Gren die which bums me out a lot. Jon looks really good fighting (what?) but then Ygritte gets shot by and arrow in front of him and one of the most beautiful, yet sad, scenes follows. Also, Ollie, a little boy, is the one who kills Ygritte which just cements my never ending dislike of children. Oh, and Stannis shows up with his army and Mance, being one of the few good people on this damn show, tells his people to stop fighting to save them.
Who am I missing? Right, Daenyerys. So, she takes her Unsullied and marches them to Meereen and takes over the city in what seemed like the quickest slave revolt ever. But she suddenly realizes that stomping around and saying “fire and blood” doesn’t make her a ruler. She decides to stay in Meereen and learn how to rule people. It goes super well. LOL, no it doesn’t. But she does sleep with Daario who is now played by an actor that is actually attractive. She also finds out about Jorah’s betrayal from season 1 and banishes him in a scene that is so damn well acted. And then Dany decides to lock up her dragons because they killed a child. Which is a totally legit reason for locking them up, but fuck the scene of trapping them was rough. Should also note that Drogon was not locked up because he wasn’t found.
I’m giving my favorite Stark her own recap paragraph too. Arya is continuing her stabby road trip with The Hound, as he has now decided to take her to the Eryie and sell her to her Aunt Lysa. I think this may be one of my favorite odd couple road trip pairings in this show. Arya really starts to slip into her murdery persona and I am HERE FOR IT. They make it to the Eyrie a few days after Lysa dies and Arya’s laugh at this knowledge is solid gold. Sadly, since no one knows Sansa is at the Eyrie (she was there under a different name which I guess I forgot to mention earlier…), Arya and the Hound leave. Then, one morning Brienne (who was sent on a Stark finding mission earlier in the season by Jamie) and Podrick find Arya as she is practicing her sword work. The Hound and Brienne engage in a startlingly brutal fight which ends with the Hound going over the side of a rocky mountain. Arya evades Brienne and goes to stare at the Hound while he begs her to kill him. It is a damn good scene. The season ends with Arya finding a ship captain and saying “Valar Morghulis”. My stabby girl is going to Braavos!
- Ramsey is just his generic psycho self this season. But can I say that I kinda hate that they cast such a good looking guy to play him? Like I loved that actor from Misfits and it is very confusing for me to be so turned on when he is covered in blood.
- Yara tries to rescue Theon and she finally realizes that he is really lost to her. It’s sad, but also I don’t give a shit about Theon.
- OMG I totally forgot to mention Bran. Well, basically Bran is going through puberty and is being a bit of a dick. He eventually gets to the place where the 3 eyed raven told him to go but Jojen dies just before they get there. Because this is Game of Thrones and we can’t have nice things.
- “I fucking hate Thenns.” Same, Tormund, same.
- The seeds of Missendre and Grey Worm hooking up starts this season. It is cute, but only makes me think that one will die
- Arya killing Polliver in the same way he killed that one kid is wonderful.
- Oh, this is the season we get the Bronn/Jamie bromance! I love Bronn helping Jamie learn to fight with his other hand. Bronn slapping Jamie with Jamie’s gold hand is peak Bronn.
- The mourning dresses of Cersei and Margaery are STUNNING.
- Pod sneaking stuff into Tyrion’s jail cell and then Tyrion telling him goodbye. I love those two.
- I’m sorry but when we go to the Night King’s castle place I just think of the Ice King from Adventure Time and I fully want there to be penguins just walking around.
- The scene with Davos and Stannis at the Iron bank is low key amazing.
- Daario taking off his clothes is great, but that dude left his ascot on and I’m sorry but that is not okay.
- I love that we get a little check in on Hot Pie with Brienne and Podrik stopping at the inn he is working at. His bread wolves are improving.
- Petyr telling Sansa that she might have been his child and then kissing her is grosssssssssssssssssss. But I still think Aiden Gillen is a total fox.
- Also, Petyr pushing Lysa out the Moon Door is kind of amazing, sorry ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- The scene where Ygritte shushes Gilly and her baby and then walks away and the camera focuses on all the blood dripping through the ceiling boards is morbidly awesome.
- I love how not impressed Jon and Mance are with Davos and Stannis.
- The fact that this season ends with Arya fills my Stark heart with joy.
- Joffrey’s death. It is the second most satisfying death of the series so far.
- Arya, just in general.
Most Painful or Cringeworthy moments:
- Lysa talking about banging Littlefinger
- Roose Bolton saying “The North is mine.”
- Every single moment that involves Karl Tanner, with the exception of his death.
“I understand that if any more words come pouring out your cunt mouth, I’m gonna have to eat every fucking chicken in this room.” – The Hound
Character I’d Bring Back: Oberyn “Take off your clothes, we are going to be here for a while” Martell
Character I’d Murder: Roose Bolton. He doesn’t deserve the North.
Who I have an inappropriate crush on: Okay, you have to hear me out on this…Ramsey. BUT ONLY FOR LIKE 20 SECONDS. I’m sorry but…just look at this:
Who I want on the Iron Throne as of right now: Olenna Tyrell. She is probably the only one that could whip Westeros into shape.
Now I have to go pray to the old gods and the new, that I may finish my rewatch before next Sunday.