The intro to this recap will consist of nothing but me screaming about the fact that season 8 premieres in four days. *clears throat, screams for 7 minutes straight* Now that I have that out of the way I’d like to direct you to previous season recaps: Season 1, Season 2, Season 3, and Season 4.
As per usual, since this is a recap it contains SPOILERS! Shocking, I know.
Season 5: The season where I finally got release the knowledge of Jon Snow’s death to my coworkers who have never read the books
Okay, let us begin with the Lannisters because that has been my pattern recently. Cersei is slowly driving herself mad with jealousy and rage (who has money on her being the Mad Queen of this era in Westeros?). Though Tommen is king, she is the one making all the decisions. One such decision is bring back the Faith Militant in an effort to destroy Margaery. Yeah, that doesn’t work out so well for Cersei. Well, actually it works splendidly until the Faith Militant imprisons her as well for her sins (of which there are many). This all ends with the Shame Walk (they cut off all her hair and make her walk naked through the streets of King’s Landing) and y’all, the Faith Militant really should not have messed with Cersei. That lady knows how to get her revenge. Jamie is off on a buddy road trip to Dorne with Bronn to retrieve Marcella and bring her home. Through some amusing shenanigans Jamie is able to make peace with the Prince of Dorne and take Marcella and her betrothed, Trystane Martell. Too bad Elia Martell is still super pissed at the Lannisters for their part in Oberyn’s death (TBH, I’d be pissed too), and she sneakily poisons Marcella so she can tragically die in her father’s arms just as they have a heartfelt moment (it’s also kind of a gross moment cause it’s an acceptance of Jamie and Cersei’s incest, but what happens in Wersteros, stays in Westeros I guess).
Tyrion is having a road trip too, though much less fun than his brother’s. Varys has taken him across the Narrow Sea, in a box, where they stop at the home of Illyrio Mopatis (remember him? Talk about a lasting background character). Varys convinces Tyrion to travel with him to find Daenerys and join her pursuit of the Iron Throne. This goes well (seriously, Varys and Tyrion have the BEST BANTER) until they cross paths with the disgraced Jorah Mormont, who kidnaps Tyrion. Guess where he is taking him? To see Dany. Like…couldn’t he have just joined the snarky road trip? Anyways, along their travels they get attacked by stone men in Valyeria and Jorah gets grey scale. See, Jorah, you could have avoided this if you’d just taken Varys’ route. Then he and Tyrion get caught by slavers and sold to a fighting pit master. Which eventually gets them in front of Dany, who has begrudgingly opened the fighting pits back up.
Okay, I have to quickly backtrack so I can tie Dany into Tyrion’s story. Dany has been chilling in Meereen, trying to learn how to rule while a rebel force calling themselves the Sons of the Harpy are creating all sorts of chaos and murder. In what is a truly unforgivable moment, my battle cinnamon roll, Barristan Selmy, IS STRUCK DOWN by the Sons of the Harpy. But he went down fighting to the end. This leads Dany to rounding up the leaders of the noble houses and introducing them to her chained up dragons. But in an effort to placate the people in a more peaceful way she agrees to marry a noble (Hiizdahr, who is going to die shortly so let’s not waste time typing out his story) and reopen the fighting pits to free men. Okay, so Jorah fights in front of Dany and then Tyrion presents himself as a gift gift from Jorah. Tyrion, being the smooth talker that he is, convinces Dany not to kill him, but Jorah is banished a second time. Dude, that has to hurt. Anyways, there is yet another fighting tournament, in a big ass arena this time, where Jorah once again fights to get Dany’s attention because homeboy just can’t leave it be. The Sons of the Harpy attack and start killing basically everyone (bye bye Hizdahr!). Everything looks very dire for Dany, Missandei, Jorah, Tyrion, and Daario, but Drogon drops out of the sky and fucks shit up, giving time for Dany to hop on his back and they fly away. Luckily Drogon scared all the Sons away or Missandei, Jorah, Tyrion, and Daario would have been fucked. Well, they are left to rule Meereen, so they are essentially fucked. Dany is whisked off to some field where she eventually gets sighted by a Dothraki horde and she is taken. Oh, and Daario and Jorah, who both love Dany but only one of which gets to sleep with her, decide to go on a buddy road trip to find Dany. Good times.
Arya arrives in Braavos and finds her way to the House of Black and White where Jaqen H’ghar tells her to shed her old life and become “no one”. Look, I love Arya and assassins in general, but a lot of this plot line annoyed the heck out of me. But, Arya does get to murder the ever living fuck out of Meryn Trant. Though it angers the many faced god or something and she goes blind. It’s all a lot more nuanced than I’ve written but ain’t nobody got time for that.
Okay, time to unpack The Night’s Watch/Stannis/Ramsey/Sansa chaos. Sansa is brought to Winterfell by Littlefinger and is married off to Ramsey in a political move that ends very poorly for Sansa. I don’t want to write much about it because it is some of the most emotionally painful material in this season. But eventually (aka the last episode of the season), Sansa escapes Winterfell with Theon (of all people).
Stannis is at the wall and wants to legitimize Jon, as long as Jon leaves the Watch. Jon says no and is voted as the Lord Commander by the narrowest of margins. Stannis then leaves the wall with his army and marches on Winterfell. Things do not go well and eventually he is convinced by Melisandre to BURN HIS FREAKING DAUGHTER AT THE STAKE. Yeah, all respect for Stannis and his love of grammar is now gone. But that’s okay because half his army deserts him, his wife kills herself, Melisandre deserts him, and then his remaining army is decimated by Ramsey’s forces. Oh, and Brienne finally gets to hold him accountable for murdering Renly by cutting his stubborn head off. Melisandre goes back to the wall (where Davos had previously been sent back to by Stannis) and conveys through a very sad face that Stannis and everyone is dead.
While Stannis is being the world’s worst father, Jon is making a whole mess of decisions that piss off his brothers, particularly the decision to let a hoard of Wildlings through the wall so they don’t get massacred by the white walkers and turned into an undead army. He goes to Hardhome with Tormund and Stannis’ navy to get the wildlings. And then ensues the most epic and creepy battle on Game of Thrones to this point. Like damn. Tormund and Jon escape with as many wildings as they can (and WUN WUN THE GIANT! I love Wun Wun!) and go back to the wall. And then…Ollie, being the shitty little kid that he is, tells Jon that one of the wildlings says they’ve seen Benjen Stark (Jon’s hot uncle who has been missing since Season 1). He races out of his office with Ollie and runs to a group of the Night’s Watch brothers. There he sees the cross that says “Traitor”. AND THEN HE GETS STABBED OVER AND OVER BY HIS BROTHERS. *flips table and walks away, muttering about dumb ass Night’s Watch bros not understanding the big picture*
- Bran isn’t in this season at all and I ain’t mad about that.
- Arya shedding everything of her old life except Needle makes me happy.
- Margaery has the best scheming face.
- Even though they didn’t show the act, the post coital scene between Tommen and Margaery still grosses me out.
- Also, Tommen is too pure for Westeros.
- Tyrion going straight for the wine after getting let out of his box, drinking a lot, puking it all up, and then pouring himself another glass makes me think of my 20s.
- Oh, right, Stannis decides to burn Mance at the stake for not bending the knee. The look on Mance’s face when Jon tells him he’ll burn is some of the finest acting. I miss Mance.
- Barristan talking to Dany about her father makes me happy/sad.
- I love Brienne training Podrick to be a knight!
- For all the antagonism between Alliser and Jon, Jon is still fair to him. Which makes the betrayal ALL THE MORE ANNOYING.
- Jamie seeing Tarth as he sails to Dorne gives me FEELS!
- Maester Aemon dies and it is very, very sad.
- Every scene between Davos and Shireen breaks my heart.
- I love the moment when Tyrion sees Drogon fly by. He is so full of wonder about the dragons. I need him to ride one before the show ends.
- Cersei making Olenna wait for her while she writes, the same way Tywin used to, is kinda beautiful.
- Sam and Gilly hook up and it’s adorable.
- Bronn has a really good singing voice and I need him to sing lots more.
- I hate that the Dorne plot was so shitty in the show versus the book. Like, I don’t even want to talk about it.
- Sam taking Gilly and Little Sam off to Old Town so he can learn to be a Maester is wonderful.
- Say what you will of Stannis, but that motherfucker fights to the very end.
- I love the running gag of Tyrion’s poor Valyrian.
- Arya killing Meryn Trant.
- All the banter between Varys and Tyrion.
Most Painful or Cringeworthy moments:
- Every single moment with Ramsey.
Character I’d Bring Back: Mance Rayder
Character I’d Murder: RAMSEY FUCKING BOLTON
Who I have an inappropriate crush on: I don’t think this is inappropriate but Tyrion looks REALLY GOOD with a beard. Horrific depression and alcoholism looks good on him I guess and now it’s inappropriate.
Who I want on the Iron Throne as of right now: Tyrion and Varys as buddy kings!
Okay, y’all, I’ve already started Season 6 so HOPEFULLY I’ll get through everything before Sunday. OMG SUNDAY BRINGS US NEW EPISODES I CANNOT EVEN…