As per usual, since this is a recap, there are spoilers. Consider yourself thusly warned.
Okay, lots to unpack and I still have one more season to watch in the next 24 hours…So, let’s start with the Lannisters and King’s Landing. Cersei has been confined to the keep and has lost her grip on Tommen. Margaery confesses her sins to the High Sparrow and is spared the walk of atonement by bringing Tommen into the faith. Tommen strips Jamie of his rank as Commander of the King’s Guard and sends him off to help retake Riverrun with the Freys (assholes). Jamie manages to take back Riverrun (RIP Blackfish, the grumpiest man in Westeros) and heads back to King’s Landing, though he is late to all the chaos that I’m about to explain. Tommen declares that trial by combat is no longer a thing and Cersei knows she is super screwed for her trail with the faith for her many, many sins. So on the morning of her trail, some really good music plays, she puts on a great outfit, pours herself a glass of wine, and watches as the Sept of Baelor (where the faith militant, lots of King’s Landing nobles, Kevan Lannister, Loras Tyrell, Mace Tyrell, the High Sparrow, and most painfully Margaery Tyrell, all are) explodes thanks to some well placed Dragon Fire. Talk about killings numerous birds with one stone. Tommen, having lost a lot in the explosion and probably knowing it was his mother who did it, takes of his crown and walks out a window in one of the hauntingly silent and shocking scenes I’ve seen. Cersei, is crowned Queen of the Seven Kingdoms. Gross.
Bran is back! Yay? Bran has been in a cave learning “everything” with the three eyed raven. During an unsanctioned vision quest, Bran is seen by the Night King and he grabs Bran by the arm, thus making the safety in the cave go away….because magic? Anyways, the white walkers show up, Meera kills one, Summer (Bran’s direwolf) dies while the others run, we learn the heartbreaking truth of Hodor, and Meera and Bran are the only ones who make it out alive. While on the run from the undead, MOTHER FUCKING UNCLE BENJEN SHOWS UP TO SAVE THE DAY! I love that guy. Anyways, Benjen safely gets them closer to the wall and then peaces out because magic. Then Bran decides to take another look into the past and he finds out what we knew all along: Jon Snow is not a bastard. He is the son of Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen, who were definitely in love and Robert’s rebellion was built on a throne of lies.
Speaking of Jon…homeboy is still dead. Davos finds his body and hides it in a room with Edd and a few other Night’s Watch men. Some snark is thrown between Davos and Alliser, who wants Jon’s body (that sounded wrong), but then Edd, who had snuck out, shows up with the Wildlings and shuts that shit right down. Melisandre, who is actually a very old lady, does her magic bit and Jon is brought back to life. The mutineers that killed Jon are hung and Jon decides he is 100% done with this shit and gives command of the Wall to Edd. Sansa, Brienne, and Pod show up at the wall (Sansa surived her escape with Theon, Brienne found them, Theon went home while Sansa continued to the Wall) and we are graced with two amazing things: Stark reunion and the birth of Tormund’s crush on Brienne.
Back at Winterfell, Ramsey has killed his father, step mother, and his little baby half brother because Ramsey is a fucking monster. Then, the fucking Umbers bring Ramsey a gift: Rickon. Ramsey uses this to taunt Jon out of Castle Black for a good old fashioned battle of epic proportions. Jon manages to get depressingly few Northern houses to back him, but most importantly we are introduced to Lyanna Mormont who is hands down the best ever. Then comes the Battle of the Bastards. Ramsey, being the asshat that he is, releases Rickon to go run towards Jon, and Ramsey shoots Rickon in the heart just a half second before Jon gets to him. Thus begins a battle so intense that I had to take a Xanax the first time I watched it. Just as all hope seems lost, and our heroes are about to be totally up shit creek, the Knights of the Vale show up and fuck up Ramsey’s army. Sansa had been holding that card up her sleeve, so really, she saved the day, though she should have fucking told Jon, but I digress. Jon chases Ramsey back to Winterfell where he proceeds to beat the ever living shit out of him. But Ramsey does not die by his hand. No, Sansa has a bloodied Ramsey tied to a chair and put in the kennels, where Ramsey’s human flesh loving dogs are (Ramsey had mentioned that he had starved them for a week before the battle). The sound of Ramsey’s screams and the little smile Sansa has as she walks away is highly therapeutic. Jon and Sansa discuss that they have to trust each other because there are so many enemies now. Which is great, but Littlefinger is at Winterfell with them now and you can see how he wants to try and break everything apart as all the Northern lords call for Jon as the King in the North. Y’all, that chant didn’t end well last time.
Arya, has been having a slightly less epic time than her remaining siblings. First she is blind and a beggar, then she gets her sight back and has a cool training montage, the she is given another name for the Many Faced God and the warning that there will be no third chance. What does our stabby hero do? Decides she likes the mark and doesn’t kill her *face palm* Jaqen send the Wraith after Arya and some very unlikely scenarios happen, but in the end our stabby hero cuts the face off the Wraith and deposits it in the hall of faces. Jaqen then announces that she is finally No One. And Arya, stabby queen of my heart, says “A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell. And I am going home.” FUCK YES! Arya’s first stop once she gets back to Westeros: the Frey household, where she back the eldest Frey boys into a meat pie, serves the meat pie to Walder Frey, and then slits his filthy traitor throat. Another therapeutic murder.
Time to check in with Dany and crew. Daenerys has been captured by the Dothraki and taken to Vaes Dothrak where she will live the rest of her life as the widow of a Khal. Yeah, that’s not happening. Through some epic fire shenanigans, Dany burns the Khals alive and takes control of all the Dothraki people. After a rousing speech from Dany, as she is sitting on a dragon, the Dothraki pledge to cross the narrow sea with her and claim the Seven Kingdoms. But first, Meereen. Yep, Tyrion has been doing his Tyrion thing, and sweet talking the Masters of the Slave Cities into cutting off funding for the Sons of the Harpy. But in a highly not shocking move, the Masters betray Tyrion and bring a battle to Meereen. Isn’t is so perfect that Dany shows up with her Dothraki and her dragons just in time to lay waste to the Master’s armies? Yep. After this battle, Theon and Yara show up (their asshole uncle took the Salt Throne and ran them out of Pyke) with the promise of ships as long as they get the Iron Islands back when Dany has conquered the Seven Kingdoms. And so we have the epic (how many times have I said epic in this post? Fuck, I need a thesaurus) ending scene of Dany FINALLY SAILING TO FUCKING WESTEROS OMG IT’S ONLY TAKEN 6 SEASONS.
- Davos is the wisest person in all of Westeros.
- Of all the buddy road trips in this series, Sansa and Theon have the least fun one.
- Oh yeah, Elia Martell and the Sand Snakes murder the fuck out of the Prince of Dorne. *yawns*
- Seeing young Ned and Benjen and Hodor before he was Hodor gives me all the feels.
- This is the season where we get the peak Tyrion quote “I drink and I know things.”
- I love the scene of Tyrion going to see Rhaegal and Viserion. “Don’t eat the help.”
- Ugh, Euron is the worst.
- Even knowing what was going to happen, I still startled so hard when Jon wakes up from the dead.
- Tormund making dick jokes, cause that’s what you do when your friend comes back from the dead
- I should note that we lost two dire wolves this season, the aforementioned Summer, and Shaggy Dog, who was Rickon’s. #JUSTICEFORTHEDIREWOLVES
- “We should never have left Winterfell.” CORRECT!
- Oh, Dany finds out about Jorah’s greyscale and sends him off to go get cured. But she says he can come back once he does that.
- So, Sansa had met with Littlefinger earlier in the season, which is how she knew of that the Knights of the Vale would come to their aid if she asked. Littlefinger, as usual, is a piece of shit the whole time he talks to her.
- Through one of Bran’s vision quests with the Three Eyed Raven, we learn that the Children are the ones who created the White Walkers. Not sure how important that is, but there you go.
- Just before Jon leaves Castle Black, he tells Edd, in what is definitely not foreshadowing, to not knock down the Wall…
- Sam and Gilly stop at Sam’s family home on the way to Old Town (where Sam will train to become a Maester) because Sam intends to leave Gilly and Baby Sam there. But Sam’s dad is garbage human and Sam decides to bring Gilly, Baby Sam, and his father’s Valyrian Sword with him to Old Town.
- Also, guess who isn’t dead? THE HOUND! He was saved by a Septon (played wonderfully by Ian McShane. Of course, Ian McShane and his band of religious folk a brutally murdered because we can’t have nice things in Westeros. The Hound hunts the men down and is lead to Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr, who he joins in the Brotherhood without Banners.
- “I wonder if you’re the worst person I’ve ever met.” Olenna, spitting shade at Cersei
- There is a whole side plot of Brienne going to the Blackfish to ask for support for Sansa and Jon. The only good thing that comes of it is a brief Jamie/Brienne reunion.
- Arya sure is spry for a girl with a massive gut wound…
- Tormund is such a dummy sometimes but I love him.
- “Jon Snow is not a king.” I wonder if this is foreshadowing that he wont be king at the end of this all…
- Davos finds the figurine that he gave to Shireen. He knows Melisandre burned her. He calls her out and Jon banishes her, but lets her know that if she comes North again she is dead. Which is more than fair.
- Seeing the Stark banners fly a Winterfell again GIVES ME LIFE.
- The whole Sept of Baelor opening scene, minus Loras’ lame trail, is one of the best sequences I have ever seen on television. The score is what makes it.
- Oh yeah, Qyburn has Pycelle killed via the stabbings of some very unwashed children
- Sam is such a Citadel nerd.
- Um, somehow Varys goes to Dorne, gets the backing of Olenna and Elia, and then books it back to Meereen to be on Dany’s boats as she finally sails to Westeros. Magic?
- Dany makes Tyrion her Hand of the Queen and I almost cry much like Tyrion almost does.
- Sansa recieves a white raven from the Citadel. Winter has come. “Well, father always promised, didn’t he?”
- Ramsey getting eat by his dogs. Nothing will ever beat that.
- Every time Tormund looks at Brienne
Most Painful or Cringeworthy moments:
- Rickon running in a straight line when he knows there is someone behind him shooting arrows.
- Margaery realizing that everyone needs to get out of the Sept but the holy man ignoring her…
- Basically anything Lyanna Mormont says.
Character I’d Bring Back: ALL THE DIREWOVLES. And Hodor.
Character I’d Murder: Euron. He is just slimy and two dimensional.
Who I have an inappropriate crush on: I don’t think I have one this season. HAVE I CHANGED MY WAYS? lol, not likely.
Who I want on the Iron Throne as of right now: LYANNA MORMONT!